


The End Of All Things

by Rcmanov



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Magical Realism, Alternate Universe - The Raven Cycle Fusion, Coming of Age, First Kiss, Implied Violence, Kissing, M/M, Magical Realism, Mentioned Lee Donghyuk | Haechan, Mentioned Lee Jeno, Mentioned Mark Lee (NCT), Mutual Pining, Not Happy, Sad Ending, The Dream Thieves Spoilers, The Raven Boys Spoilers, The Raven Cycle AU, Tragic Romance, if you've read the book you know, jaemin is a ghost basically, jaemin is dead but not really, jaemin is noah, renjun is blue, renjun is cursed, this is hard to tag but i hope i didn't forget anything important
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-27
Updated: 2018-09-27
Packaged: 2019-07-18 07:20:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16113569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rcmanov/pseuds/Rcmanov
Summary: Kiss (noun): a caress with the lips; a gentle touch or contact; an expression of love and affection.Also: something Renjun desired the most and could never have.Alive (adjective): having life; not dead or inanimate.Also: something Jaemin no longer was and could never be again./!\ contains major spoilers for The Raven Boys and The Dream Thieves by Maggie Stiefvater





	The End Of All Things

**Author's Note:**

> This has quite heavy spoilers for books 1 & 2 of the Raven Cycle by Maggie Stiefvater, so if you're planning on reading it, I'd advise you to come back here once it's done! It's one of my favourite book series of all time so of course you should read it hehe.  
> Since this fic is based on the book, I used some quotes from it, but most of this is my own words!  
> Also if you haven't read the books and don't care, Renjun has been told his entire life that if he kisses his true love, he'll die. And Jaemin is dead, so he's basically a ghost, I think that's all you need to know!

Kiss ( _noun_ ): a caress with the lips; a gentle touch or contact; an expression of love and affection.

Also: something Renjun desired the most and could never have.

 

Alive ( _adjective_ ): having life; not dead or inanimate.

Also: something Jaemin no longer was and could never be again.

 

 

Both Jaemin and Renjun had a secret. Renjun’s secret was that he’d been told all his life that if he kissed his true love, he’d die. Jaemin’s secret was that he’d died already.

They were both lying in the grass, gazing idly at the sky in the heat of a lazy summer day, the kind they only make in Virginia. Everything was quiet yet incredibly loud. If Renjun closed his eyes, he could forget that there was such a thing as the city and its constant restlessness. If Jaemin let go long enough, the buzz of insects and the rustling of the leaves in the wind could make him feel something closer to alive. If he just concentrated on his sensations, on the soft touch of the grass against his skin, the dragonflies flying by them to the nearby bond, the melody of the stream flowing nearby, maybe he felt a little further away from dead. A little. Most of all, he could feel his cold fingers brush against the back of Renjun's hand, and that particular point sent waves of a foreign electric feeling running through his body. Closer to alive, and closer still. Jaemin was here.

He knew what had been said, seven years ago. Seven years of wandering and wondering. “Someone on the ley line is dying when they should, and so you will live when you should not.”

Except that Jaemin hadn't been the one to live when he should not. He had been the one dying, and so he did, and so he was.

But maybe today, just maybe, just today, it didn't matter.

 

* * *

 

 

“Why didn’t he say anything?”

They all look at each other, the realisation dawning upon them. Renjun, Mark, Donghyuck and Jeno. How could their best friend be a ghost? Even now it sounds silly but finding a skeleton in the forest is the exact opposite.

“But I did.”

They jump at the sound of Jaemin’s voice behind them. He’s standing and for once he looks so frail, drowning in his white hoodie. And now that Renjun knows he wonders, how could he have never noticed that Jaemin is never quite _there_. The smudge on his forehead, his smile that never felt quite complete…

“But I did”, he repeats a little more softly this time. “When we first met…”

Renjun walks up to him, takes his right hand between his own and suddenly-

“Wow, your hands are cold,” he starts in a whisper.

He looks up to gaze into Jaemin’s eyes, tightening his grip on his hand, before finishing:

“‘You know what they say, cold hands warm heart. I've been dead for 7 years. That's as warm as they get.’ Oh, Jaemin…”

Gently, Jaemin shakes his hand out of Renjun’s, for an instant he lets his palm linger against Renjun’s cheek, before turning to the others.

“Wh- what you saw in the forest-”

He stares at Jeno, Mark and Donghyuck, looking for the right way to put his spiralling thoughts into words. How do you tell your friends that you’ve had your forehead shattered by the grip of a gun, before being shot and left to slowly bleed to death seven years ago? He knows what they saw. The moss covered red car, the school blazer and most of all-

He doesn’t want to say the word, think about it. His bones. His corpse. All that’s left of his living body. And now he’s so afraid that they’ll never remember him as anything else but the horror that lies hidden in the woods.

“I wanted you to know that… that it wasn’t- it wasn’t me,” he lets out the last word like a sob.

In an instant, they’re all around him, and his senses go into overdrive but still he hugs back and-

“We know,” Jeno whispers.

“I- I was more when I was alive.”

And maybe he dreams this, but in his ear, too low for anyone but him to hear, he hears Renjun whisper.

“You’re enough now.”

 

* * *

 

Renjun could feel the warm touch of the sunlight gently brushing against his skin through the cover of the trees surrounding the clearing. When he opened his eyes again, he let himself get lost in the purity of the blue of the sky above them, a blue so pure it should only be seen from a plane above a sea of white clouds, and yet here it was. He wanted to take this moment and stretch it forever. After school, he had biked to the apartment, but Mark and Jeno were gone to a conference until the next day, and Hyuck was away doing things that Renjun would rather leave unquestioned. Only Jaemin had been here, Jaemin and the smudge on his forehead, Jaemin who had pinched his cheek when Renjun had pushed against the broken door and managed to get it to open, Jaemin and his smile that could melt anything, even Renjun’s heart.

They had fled away from town, Renjun biking and Jaemin precariously seated on the luggage carrier, his arms tight around Renjun’s slim figure. He couldn’t help snickering. What was Jaemin fearing exactly? As if he would get hurt from falling off the bike. Renjun smirked, realising just how much Hyuck was rubbing off on him.

And here they were, the silence between them comfortable yet still building this wall they had both been hiding behind. Each of them for obvious, different reasons.

Like he often did, Renjun resisted the urge to touch his lips with the tip of his fingers. He always told himself that kissing was something he’d never known, and therefore could never miss. This, of course, was a terrible lie. It was unbearable. Not because Renjun wanted to kiss anyone, but because he knew that even if he wanted it, he could never risk someone else’s life for his childish desires. He often told himself that surely someone else, out there in the wide world had a more terrible curse weighing on their shoulders.

He had worked cautiously to guard his heart for years, and maybe, just maybe, he was getting tired of being a sensible boy.

 

* * *

 

 

“Why won’t you let Jeno kiss you?”

The question surprises him. He shifts his gaze from the tiny mint plant pot he’s holding in his hands to Jaemin’s upside down features looking up at him from where he’s lying on the bed. Renjun sighs, and lays the pot on the ground, before lying on the bed as well. Sure enough, because Mark’s bed isn’t that large, they find themselves pressed against each other. Renjun briefly closes his eyes. The three other inhabitants of the apartment had deserted the place and so Jaemin and Renjun had found themselves idly wandering around.

“So?”

Renjun’s eyes shoot open. It’s not like Jaemin to be so insistent. Lately, even more than before, he starts his sentences and leaves them hanging like he’s standing on the edge of a cliff. And yet, it’s the most present he’s ever been. He’s gently petting Renjun’s dark hair, and it hurts to see him so full of life yet so distinctly far away. Once more Renjun looks at Jaemin and wonders how one could murder such a lovely boy, smash his forehead before shooting him and cross such a lovely smile off the face of the world. Renjun’s melancholic thoughts are cut off by the playful tone in the other boy’s voice:

“It’s because his breath smells, right? I knew it!”

For a second, Renjun chokes on air and a cackle escapes his lips. Because he isn’t looking, he misses the way Jaemin’s eyes light up when looking at him giggle. He tries to catch his breath. Fails. Tries again.

“No!”

He also misses the way Jaemin’s eyes suddenly go back to being serious, strained on Renjun’s features.

“Then what is it?”

Renjun finally turns to face Jaemin, grabs his frozen hands with his and slightly tugs on them. He feels like he’s never looked at Jaemin in such a solemn way before.

“You have to promise to never tell him,” Renjun whispers.

Jaemin brings their joined hands to his lips for an instant, and whispers back:

“I promise.”

Renjun takes a deep inhale before he finally confesses.

“I- You know how my entire family are psychics?” Jaemin nods. How could he forget. “Well, every time they’ve tried to see my future, they’ve all seen the same thing.”

He pauses slightly, realises how ridiculous that must sound, but they’re looking for a sleeping Welsh king, Hyuck can dream of ravens and take one back with him to the real world, Jeno is the hands and eyes of a living forest and- for god’s sake, Jaemin is _dead._

“They’ve all said that if I am to kiss my true love, he’ll die.”

Renjun studies Jaemin’s features intently, waiting for the moment where he bursts out laughing, but instead, all he gets is a small “Is Jeno your true love?”

“No!”

He’s taken aback by how quickly he answers, without thinking for a split second. In that exact second, he realises three fundamental things. One is that he doesn’t have a crush on Lee Jeno.

“No, I- I just don’t kiss anyone. To be sure.”

Jaemin nods, and rolls from his side to his back, staring at the high ceiling.

One is that he doesn’t have a crush on Lee Jeno.

The second is that he’s relieved when he realises it.

The last one is that he can never have what he truly wants.

And it _hurts_.

 

* * *

 

 

Renjun had no idea how much time had passed since they’d lied down, lost as he was in his reverie. Suddenly he felt like he was back at the apartment, the two of them curled on Mark’s bed. He wondered if Jaemin was thinking of that too. Sometimes he wondered if Jaemin thought of him when they were apart the way he thought about him, worrying that he might just disappear one day, never to be seen again. Renjun brushed those thoughts aside. A sensible thing to do.

Jaemin coughed. A small cough that wouldn’t have alarmed anyone.

Jaemin didn’t cough.

“What is it,” he asked while turning his head to look at Jaemin.

“I-“

Jaemin was looking at him and had the audacity to look surprised that Renjun saw clear through his bullshit. He regained his countenance and sat up, his crossed arms resting on top of his knees. He mumbled something Renjun didn’t catch.

“Say that again.”

Jaemin sighed and repeated a little louder:

“Nothing, it’s stupid.”

Hearing how embarrassed he sounded, Renjun wanted to tease him as a payback for all those times the other boy had out-sassed him, but somehow he felt that now was not the time. The atmosphere had shifted slightly. The sun seemed to shine a little brighter suddenly. Renjun nudged Jaemin’s back, where he could reach even though he was still lying down.

“Jaemin, you know you can talk to me, right?”

Jaemin turned his head, tilted it slightly and smiled back at him, and in that instant Renjun could have forgotten everything.

“I know I can, it’s just- this is silly,” he replied, as the corners of his mouth quirked even higher up.

Renjun wasn’t fooled. He could see the emotion in his eyes. He saw it every day looking at himself in the mirror.

“Tell meee,” Renjun demanded in a fake whiny voice he didn’t know he could produce.

“I was thinking that…” he started, “that there’s someone that you can kiss, after all.”

So he had been thinking about that day as well.

“Who then?” Renjun asked, curious.

If Renjun hadn’t been a prime witness to the following phenomenon, he wouldn’t have believed it. Jaemin blushed, which for him who was dead meant that he looked almost normal.

“Oh.”

“Me.”

They had spoken at the same time, and for an instant they just stared at each other. The atmosphere had definitely shifted, and Jaemin feared that it would never be the same again. Even the insects had gone quiet. A lonely cloud masked the sun. Jaemin shrugged.

“Only if you’re curious you know… If you want to.”

Jaemin was surprised at himself and marvelled how he could act so casual when his heart was beating so fast he felt like it could jump out of his chest any second.

After this time in Mark’s bed, he had realised that yes, he wanted to kiss Renjun. But then he hadn’t known whether it was because it was forbidden or because he was the only one who would ever do it or because deep down he knew that he was slowly falling in love with the other boy or all those reasons at once. He still didn’t have the beginning of an answer but in that instant, when Renjun was staring right into his eyes, he knew that he had already lost.

“I’m sorry if it was w-“

“Yeah sure.”

Jaemin can’t quite believe his ears.

“Excuse me?”

It’s Renjun’s turn to look embarrassed and turn his gaze to the other side. Jaemin can see the tip of his ears getting redder by the second, and somehow he manages to grow even fonder of the other boy, despite his mind telling him that this is quite the opposite of what he’s supposed to do.

“I said sure,” Renjun muttered, ready for Jaemin’s teasing.

But when he looked back at the other, he was met with an unreadable expression. Jaemin edged closer to him, pushing himself on one elbow, and hovered over him. Renjun swallowed hard, suddenly about to regret giving in to his heart’s desires. He saw Jaemin close his eyes, and imitated him. He held his breath and braced himself. He could feel Jaemin’s cold breath against his face. Jaemin inched closer and, for the fraction of a second, their lips met, until their noses bumped together and both boys opened their eyes, surprised.

Jaemin jerked backwards suddenly, both boys letting out a nervous chuckle at the situation.

“You have to relax,” he explained. “Not…”

“Not…?” Renjun asked.

“Your lips…” Jaemin looked embarrassed again. “Your lips should want to be kissed. Not brace themselves.”

Renjun nodded slightly, closing his eyes once again, any trace of a smile on his lips gone and Jaemin moved to hover over him again. Jaemin gently rested his palm against Renjun’s cheek and he saw him lean into the ice-cold touch, despite the shiver it had sent up his spine. Jaemin’s heart was screaming at him to inch forward, to lower his gaze to Renjun’s lips while his head was begging him to lower his hand, to put some distance between himself and the other boy, to abandon his foolish desires for something he could never have. He felt suspended in time, an insect trapped in amber. He was constantly dancing on the edge between what he wanted and what he was allowed. He contemplated Renjun’s delicate features, his vulnerability as he let Jaemin’s cold touch linger and longer and longer as if he invited him to take more. To take what he so dearly wanted. This was not allowed.

Renjun opened his eyes.

“Have you done this before?”

“I- I think so,” he answered, hesitant.

Renjun knew that his memories from _before_ were as hazy as his flickering appearance on days where the ley line’s energy ran low. He was at the same time a candle burning itself to oblivion and the shadow of the flame. Renjun knew that he could never meet the true version of Jaemin, the one where he wasn’t dead, and it hurt. But it hurts even more to know that even this version in front of him he can never fully have either. He remembers Jaemin saying it a while ago, while they were all sharing pizza at a diner downtown.

_“What good would it do anyone to be in love with a ghost of who I was.”_

And Renjun wanted to tell him now that he would rather have the ghost than no Jaemin at all, but Jaemin had no time left and Renjun was too sensible to put himself through so much heartbreak. But maybe it was vain, he was weak and a fool and he had condemned his heart to sorrows anyway. He chased the thought away and looked up at Jaemin. Their faces were so close their breaths intertwined between them. Jaemin smelt like the forest, dry, fallen pine needles, damp moss after the rain, tinted by a note of decay. Renjun committed the image of the serious fair-haired boy above him to his memory, before closing his eyes once more.

For a moment, Jaemin stood on the edge, wondering if he was ready for this. He knew there was no coming back. He tilted his head and took the leap.

In an instant, the distance between their lips was closed. All Jaemin could hear was the loud thump of his heart beating. He was there and he was not, his senses were telling him how smooth Renjun’s skin felt against his, how soft his lips were against Jaemin’s chapped ones, how he smelt of paint and blueberry yoghurt and heartbreaks, but his brain was not registering any of it. All he could feel was Renjun’s hot breath against his cold skin and treacherous tears making their way through his closed eyelids. His hand went to caress Renjun’s hair while the other was balancing him so that he did not crush the other boy.

For a second he broke the kiss, gasping for air, but then Renjun was pulling him closer and all sense was knocked out of him when their lips met again. He wanted to get closer, closer still, and went from his hand to his elbow, feeling Renjun’s hand on the back of his neck in an attempt to bring him closer when there was no more space between the two boys.

How did one stop time and live in an instant forever?

Renjun kissed back as if it were (and it was) his last kiss. His hand had never felt more at home than pressed against the nape of Jaemin’s neck, his soft hair brushing against his fingers. He wanted to forget that this was not real, that Jaemin and him could never be together. He just wanted to pretend, even for just a moment, that he could.

They were just one more link in a chain. Millions of people had loved and kissed before them, and hopefully millions more would after as well. It was Jaemin, Renjun, and the time shared between them. Two boys a little in love with each other and with this instant stolen from fate. They were like suspended above the void, dancing to a song that no one remembered inventing. And yet it would have to end. Time was circular, but they would never be as lovely as they were now, they would never be here again.

And just like that, the kiss was broken.

Renjun opened his eyes slowly again, like awoken from a dream. Air went back to his lungs and he hadn’t realised how breathless he had felt. Incoherent thoughts were running through his mind. So that was what he had been forbidden. Everything was contradictory, he had felt everything and nothing all at once, it had been too much and not enough. What he knew was that he would always die to have this again. Once you had seen the stars... Candles would _never_ be enough again.

Nothing was fair.

Jaemin knew he was missing something. How could he not. He would never be whole again, and he hated himself for offering this poor shadow of a kiss to Renjun. Science still couldn’t explain what made something _feel_ alive, and he could not either, but whatever it was he was missing it. He hadn’t felt that close to alive in seven years but it still wasn’t enough when he had the prettiest boy breathless underneath him. He could have offered him the moon and the stars and everything and still wouldn’t have been enough. His lips were not supposed to be ice-cold. His eyes were not supposed to be crying silent tears, softly mourning what he could never have again.

Nothing was fair.

He felt Renjun's hands on his cheeks, brushing the tears away, and it was his turn to lean into the contact, and how he wished he could stay there forever, in the melancholy of the clouds assembling in what would become the memory of a clear summer sky. He breathed out, looking in himself for the courage for one last bravado. If he didn’t say it now, he would never dare, and he needed to get it off his chest. Renjun deserved to know. The words deserved to be uttered, no matter how little it would mean.

“I'd- I'd ask you out if I was alive,” Jaemin whispered.

“I'd say okay.”

Nothing was fair.

And just like that, the moment seemed to end, the insects’ buzzing resumed, the soft summer breeze proceeded with its lazy blows through the trees and Renjun’s heart started beating again. Jaemin had got up, his back to the other boy slowly sitting up in the thick mattress of grass. His ever-cold fingers brushed against his now swollen lips. The spell was far from broken. He felt a sudden ache in his heart, a feeling he recognised well. Longing. Longing for remembrance, for the warmth to return to his body, for the life he had lost and could never get back. Longing for the reality where he didn’t get murdered aged seventeen, where Renjun and him could be together, could live together, could grow old together. He bent forward, pressed his hands to his heart, closing his eyes in an attempt to stop feeling this way, stop feeling for Renjun, stop feeling. Instead of a promise, he had only given him regrets. He hated himself, and yet he would do it all again.

He took a shaky inhale, stood up again, turned to see Renjun looking at him, and in that instant how he wished he could not only stop his own feelings but also Renjun’s. If only they could rule their hearts, if only they could make things a little easier. He smiled. Bittersweet.

“And now we never speak of it again,” he whispered.

Nothing was fair.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank for reading this! If you liked it, remember that kudos and comments keep authors alive!  
> [buy me a coffee!](http://ko-fi.com/rcmanov)  
> You can find me on twitter @kygotseven where I cry over NCT among other things  
> I have another AU idea for renmin so come scream at me to write it if uni hasn't killed me before then!
> 
> Title is inspired by the end of all things by panic! at the disco so maybe go look at the lyrics if you want~


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